Perceived risk

Multiple doors are open.
3 min read. This was written on August 15, 2020, 5:03 pm. I've been writing this since yesterday.

It seems like tough decisions are abound these days. Either that, or I never really paid these things much thought in the past.

In an attempt to talk it out of myself and get it sorted out, I'm writing another entry again. The last one was pretty cathartic to write, I'll admit, so here's to hoping this helps.

For some time now, there's a decision I've been holding off on — it's not as straightforward as it initially seemed to me. I usually am quick to weigh risk, because I hate being indecisive, and my decision-making track record isn't too shabby.

But on the other hand, the gains I've realized from this risk haven't been too stellar, too. I haven't deliberately made my life miserable yet, but I haven't exactly lived it out to the nines, too.

This whole nothing-ventured-nothing-gained track record is what makes this decision particularly hard to settle this time — the aggregate outcome of all of these decisions have turned out to be relatively safe, and that's fine, if I was deliberately aiming to be safe. I wasn't! All along I had decided I would sacrifice the next 5 years pursuing the most risk aiming to get the most reward out of it.

I wasn't trying to be conservative at all. And look where it got me.

Which is why this particular decision is so hard to make. I've learned that nothing is what it seems. And there seems to be something else even with this decision — something not readily apparent to me. It should be straightfoward this time, that I should go for the risky option, and yet my gut feel tells me not to push through with it this time.

It just hit me that it depends on what type of risk I'm talking about. Both options have inherent risks attached to them. And while I consider myself the same person considering risky options, my preference for what type of risk to undertake has changed.

Chalk it up to the time I've had to think about it, I guess. I've reaffirmed recently what matters to me. My family. The time to pursue self-reflection and learning.

Like what the title of the last entry suggests, I've taken a couple of steps backward because of this. I'll do more of it if I have to. I need to go back to the roots, and figure out what severed my connection to it, in hopes of finding the same old drive that kept me pushing through all the hardships I've had in the past.

I guess that settles it. I don't see the need to force me to do things I don't believe in anymore.

I've already decided. What's left is to follow through on it.